Just because I'm wearing a flannel shirt and moccasins don't make me a grandpa, yo!

Just because I'm wearing a flannel shirt and moccasins don't make me a grandpa, yo!  ..But the fact that every time I try to get off the couch, I end up moaning and taking several minutes to come to a full stand does. My trainer is kicking my ass, and as I sit here watching Ellen, the only thing I have that keeps me going is the fact that Rhianna got voted sexiest woman alive, and she is not sexy. In fact, maybe a little *dare I say it* - slutty.  She reminds me of that girl in high school that slept with EVERYONE, but no one ever found out because the girl who gave blow jobs to EVERYONE didn't hesitate to make sure everyone knew of her oral talents. Hence, the real concubine escaped those 4 years unscathed of reputation. But I digress. This trainer is really earning her buck through my misery.  Kudos to the world's first personal trainer for such an intelligent business idea.

The Native Americans knew what was up when they created the "moccasin."  Last Christmas, I received the greatest gift. No, not life, but moccasins.... Let's rewind.  I am 4 years old playing in my room or our toy room? (Let's get real they were one and the same until I was 5). Grandma and Grandpa, like a lot of our Native American/Mexican themed gifts we received,  had sent a little pair of moccasins from Arizona. [For a short time growing up, I thought we were part Native American or Mexican and G&G were passing the culture down. No...just two retired Ukrainians/French people moved to Arizona and just kept sending up southwestern presents.]   I LOVED those moccasins and remember wearing them until they were so tight I couldn't fit my foot in them anymore.  I remember being very sad, obviously having no understanding that I would not stay the same size for all eternity.

 Okay Fast Forward. I remember the day that I remembered those moccasins I had tossed aside and forgot about like Rugby in "The Christmas Toy".  I was walking around my apartment next to the bar thinking about how they don't make slippers like they used to. BOOM! MOCCASINS!!  I immediately phoned my parents and actually put something on a Christmas List instead of the usual "I don't know".  (They must have been excited for an easy-thinking gift to give me. My mom told me later they literally went to any and all leather stores between home and kingdom come and finally found the right kind at a place in New Hampshire, conveniently located next to the State Liquor Store I'm sure..). And here I am almost a year later, hobbling around on Heaven's glory as amazing as the day I first put them on. (For reason of hobbling, please see above.) Whoever said "Money can't buy you happiness" clearly never knew how to spend that money.

LONG LIVE THE MOCCASIN. (These are my exact ones!!!) EEEE!!!!